damn... i just can't seem to find time to blog on a regular basis

i don't know why- it is not like i actually do anything... watch a bunch of movies and spend a lot of time talking to nicole... and working...

ever since march i have been on 4 days a week at work, but now that i have been promoted, i am getting 5 days a week most of the time... which is good for me since now i have money from time to time... but it leaves little time to do the finer things in life- like blog.

so i guess i will just have to try to blog when i can.

i think i have figured it out...

i am begining to think i am attracted to misery.
attracted to miserable people.

people share their problems with me, be it a sence of lonliness, or a recent loss of someone they love- and i end up falling for them... or at least getting a crush, or nearly sleeping with them.

this is not the first time- not by a long shot.

amy- my lesbian friend in washington that i am hopelessly in love with- we bonded over misery when her husband left her.

kasey- we also bonded over misery while she was single and alone, and i developed a crush.

and now the new one- we used to joke around a lot before her girlfriend left, but we never talked outside of work- until her girlfriend left- now we talk all the time, and hang out getting drunk, listening to music, apparently...

we bonded over her misery.
now we are kind of friends... kind of.

this is the strangest life i have ever known

i almost got laid tonight...

and if i was not such a gentleman, i would have.

i was drinking, and i called my friend nicole... her girlfriend just left her, so she is feeling especially vulnerable right now... we went to her place and kept getting drunk... and we ended up on her bed, just laying there... her arms wrapped around me, just relaxing... when she started running her hands all over my body... and then down to my crotch... she went to put her hand in my pants, and i said "stop..."

"you're drunk, and i do not want this to be something that you wake up to regret... we do still have to work together..."

she said ,"no, i won't." and i said "thats enough, i do not want to be the one who took advantage of you in your time of need."

about an hour later,she told me how horny she was, and i started kissing her on her neck... just as i was about to say "no, this isn't right" her phone rang... it was her girlfriend... perfect timing.

but at least i was a gentleman about it, and stopped it when i did not have to...

go me.

now i will just masterbate in silence.

i am glad i made the right choice... no, seriously... i am sure we both would have regreted it...

i guess that is that then.

yes, i have been gone for a while

but i have been being nursed back to mental health by my 2 nurses...



they're swedish.

(and babs, i was just playing around about never mentioning any hot female doctors or nurses... how would you ever see them when they are always in my hospital room with me? heh heh heh)

anyway, i think i am better now, so i think i am back...

babs said 'if you are reading this and have not been tagged, concider yourself tagged'

If I were a month, I would be: october
If I were a day of the week, I would be: friday
If I were a time of day, I would be: dusk
If I were a sea animal, I would be: a tortise
If I were a direction, I would be: north north west
If I were a sin, I would be: lust
If I were a historical figure I would be: frederic nicheze
If I were a planet, I would be: uranus- just kidding- jupiter
If I were a liquid, I would be: liquid nitrogyn
If I were a stone, I would be: sand stone
If I were a tree, I would be: weeping willow
If I were a bird, I would be: a dodo
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a black rose
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: a rainstorm
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a hound of hell
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: an electric guitar
If I were an animal, I would be: a cat
If I were a color, I would be: grey
If I were an emotion, I would be: is sarcasm an emotion?
If I were a vegetable, I would be: lettuce
If I were a sound, I would be: a scream
If I were an element, I would be: fire
If I were a song, I would be: 'all the things she said' by t.A.T.u
If I were a movie, I would be: the chumscrubber (meet generation rx)
If I were a book, I would be written by: dyllan thomas
If I were a food, I would be: cheese sticks
If I were a place, I would be: a secluded forrest
If I were a taste, I would be: sweet
If I were a scent, I would be: strawberry fields insence
If I were a religion, I would be: a cult religion
If I were a word, I would be: fuck
If I were a body part, I would be: the small of a female's back
If I were a facial expression, I would be: confusion
If I were a subject in school, I would be: science
If I were a cartoon character, I would be: stewie griffin
If I were a shape, I would be: a trapezoid
If I were a number, I would be: pi
If I were a piece of jewelry, I would be: a ring
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: a desk
If I were a car, I would be: a beat up old ford pinto (i don't know why)
If I were an item of clothing, I would be: a bra

same goes for you, if you are reading this, and have not been tagged with this one, TAG! you're it.

i am jacks wasted life

I've spent my life running from the emptiness that haunts me
And I've spent my whole life trying to fuck the loneliness away
And I die inside when I think of all the people that I've damaged
I'm tired I'm so tired and there's no one else except myself to blame

life's been wasted
Everything is gone
My life's been wasted
And I am all alone
My life's been wasted
There is no one else
My life's been wasted
It's time I face myself

I've spent my life trapped inside a cycle of self-destruction
And I've spent my whole life trying to numb the pain inside my soul
tonight, i cried when I realized I fought this war with no one
Now I'm tired I'm so fucking tired but can i find a way to keep my faith alive?

life's been wasted
Everything is gone
My life's been wasted
And I am all alone
My life's been wasted
There is no one else
My life's been wasted
It's time I face myself

When I reach the end will anything I've done mean anything
Now when I reach the end will anything I've done mean anything
Will anything I've done mean anything
Will anything I've done mean anything

My life's been wasted
Everything is gone
My life's been wasted
Now I am all alone
My life's been wasted
There is no one else
My life's been wasted

My life's been wasted
Everything is gone
My life's been wasted
And I am all alone
My life's been wasted
There is simply no one left
My life's been wasted
Now it's time I face myself

stabbing westward- wasted

ok now...

to jac...
you do not even know what the hell i look like... i could have the body of a god with the penis of a porn star...

i don't, but still...

i do not blame you for wanting to forget that mental image... it would scare the shit out of me too...

onto other things-

michigan has a law that motercyclists have to wear a helmet that has been approved by the state, and yet the state has NEVER APROVED A HELMET!

now they are thinking of revoking that law, as long as the rider has been riding for at least 2 years, and has extra personal protection insurance...

i guess it all comes down to money, doesn't it?

go figure.

i found this place online

leather.com where i can buy leather pants for like a hundred bucks...

anyone who has been reading my blog for a while knows that the ones i have are falling apart, but what you may not know is that they were not really leather, just pleather... a cheap immitation...

so i am hoping i can buy some more soon.

i can't wait.

i don't even know how long she's been gone...

"its like i've woken up and she's not here because she's gone to the bathroom or something...

and if i could just reach over and touch her side of the bed, i would know that it was cold... but i can't...

i know that i can't have her back... but i don't want to wake up in the morning thinking that she's still here...

i lie here not knowing how long i've been alone...

so how can i heal...

how am i supposed to heal...

if i can't feel time?"
- memento.

i do not know what the fuck is wrong with me... it should have been over by now...
and yet it remains...

this sence of lonliness... will not go away.

please go away.

awake... where am i? oh fuck... i am still alone.

oh fuck.

"so you came all the way out here to drag up my shit because you had a bad memory?

well fuck you evan.
no, nothings better.

nothing ever gets better..."-- the butterfly effect

i have been having a bout of depression for a few days now

"lonliness so dark and hard it cracks the spine to even think of it

the blues hit so hard they crack your ribs, snap your spine, splatter your brains on the ceiling, drive you to drink, love, trust and crawl." -henry rollins

these bouts are coming more and more often.

it is not like i wake up every day remembering how alone i am, but sometimes i do.

but not to worry... i am not going to drink my way through this... not like i used to do... thank you to babs and jackiesue for the 'one day at a time' thing. i had always thought it was corny, which it is... but it seems to work. you are right, do not say 'i am not drinking anymore,' because you will go crazy. just say 'i am not drinking tonight.'

i will be back in a day or two... friday night i will have a review of x-men 3... y'all should stop by kaseys blog (it is on my links) and welcome her back.




"i would like to say that she broke my heart, but i can't. i know too much. the only one i can blame for my lonliness is myself. even if i could make myself believe that she did it to me, i wouldn't feel any better... she did not break my heart... i did.

i don't know why i would do something this painful to myself... i wish i would stop.

many days i wake up dead, put my face on and hit the door.

everyone will leave you sometime..."henry rollins

"people worry about kids playing violent video games or watching violent movies, but no one worries about kids listening to thousands, literaly thousands of songs about heartbreak, lonliness and despare...

did i listen to pop music because i was miserable, or was i miserable because i listen to pop music?"- john cusac in the movie 'high fidelity' one of my favorites.

along with the line, 'if you really wanted to mess me up, you should have gotten to me earlier!'